In the Face of Death Itself
by kate-7h
Summary: Merlin is kidnapped by Morgana and it doesn't quite go according to plan for both of them. Meanwhile, Arthur's very angry for misplacing his manservant. Post-4x02 pre-4x03. No Slash. All done now!
1. Chapter 1

Title: In the Face of Death Itself

Author: kate-7h

Rating: T

Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, and the epic knight troop. No slash, M/M if you squint

Summery: Merlin is kidnapped by Morgana and it doesn't quite go according to plan for both of them. Meanwhile, Arthur's very angry for misplacing his manservant.

WARNINGS: Violence/gore, character death

Disclaimer: Characters in these personalities belong to BBC

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It had happened so fast. One moment, Merlin and Arthur were riding back from the forest on a small hunting trip when the next a blast threw them from their horses and onto the ground, sinking in the mud. The wind was chilled with the light raindrops that fell against Merlin's skin. It took seconds for him to realize that nothing had physically hit him, leaving the perhaps more sinister option.

Merlin slowly raised his face upward to see a figure striding towards them. The were draped in black against the darkening woods. Merlin felt a pressure on his back, as if someone were standing on him, keeping him stuck in the mud. Arthur was groggily rising, seemingly not having this invisible difficultly. Merlin watched as a stream of red slid down his temple, evidence of head trauma. The stranger stopped when they stood in front of the men, head down beneath the overhanging hood. With pale hands the stranger lifted their hood from their face. Merlin met the familiar face with a glare.

"Why so hostile, Merlin?" she sweetly asked, her voice dripping with contempt.

"Morgana," Merlin watched her carefully, predicting where she would strike first.

Arthur shook in his anger, "Morgana, what're you doing in Camelot?"

She smirked, "My reasons are my own, brother dear. But don't worry, I have no business with Camelot at the moment. I'm here for Merlin." When she said his name, Merlin could hear the hatred. He froze, hairs on his neck standing up.

Arthur stood, clumsily drawing his sword and positioning himself between Merlin and Morgana, "You'll have to go through me."

"So be it," she swept her hand and Arthur went flying to the ground. Arthur struggled to get up immediately as gripped Merlin by the scarf. Between not wanting Arthur to see his magic and the invisible weight that kept him on his stomach, Merlin could only glance at Arthur and hear his shout as Merlin and Morgana disappeared in darkness.

After a brief moment a little cottage came into view. Morgana pulled Merlin inside, believing she was in complete control, never knowing the Merlin simply allowed himself to be dragged behind her. Without pressing force keeping him down, Merlin could have easily escaped her. But his curiosity got the better of him. Curiosity it was but it stilled made hi anxious. What would she want with him? Unless -unless she had finally found what she was looking for. Dread settled in his stomach as she shoved him into a chair in front of a burning fireplace.

"What's this about, Morgana?" he asked, eyes narrow.

"Well well well. Poor, pitiful Merlin, hiding behind an his own fear. You may have forgotten who you are but I've finally figured it out. I know who you are!" She spat in his face.

Merlin smiled without humor, "Yes, we've known each other for years, Morgana," His calm voice brought back memories that had once been tender to Morgana, but instead of joy she felt loathing for the man who sat before her.

"No, you never let anyone know, do you? I bet not even your precious prince knows. You've been keeping your little secret so long now. Tell me, how can you feel nothing while your own kind suffers? How your own kind burns for the sin of being born and you stand by with the torch in your hand." Her voice was low and deceptively calm.

Merlin trembled, but not in fear as she thought and a smirk appeared on her lips. She knew, Morgana knew he had magic. After all the years he had known her she finally knew. A couple years ago it would've been a relief, having a dear friend to share his secret with. When times had been good, before she had betrayed her family and friends out of hatred and spite.

Merlin stood, shaking his head almost incoherently. She couldn't know, this ruined everything. How was he supposed to protect Camelot if she now knew the reason many of her plans failed? How was he supposed to protect Arthur? As he worried over the people he defended he never once thought of the person in danger at that moment as Morgana plucked a dagger from a table. Merlin stood in alarm.

"You have magic, Merlin. I don't know how you've hid it for so long, being the bumbling idiot that you are. But I suppose that's part of the façade, through it you hide like a cowardly swine!" her voice cracked, breaking through her calm.

"I'm not afraid of showing who I am," Merlin threw back in a heated voice.

"Yes you are," Morgana's calm was breaking, her voice shift in pitches. "You were too afraid to help me when I so desperately needed someone to understand! You refused to help me! Instead you just poisoned me, because I was too difficult to deal with -,"

"No, that's not what happened!"

"You're even too scared to tell Arthur! Your friend. I suppose you don't hold friends close, do you? Well I do. If they haven't betrayed me," she had begun pacing, stroking the knife tenderly. "I keep in contact with the Druid boy, he talked about you, how you betrayed him as well. I suppose you have a knack for that. Then he said something strange, that you, Merlin, were his kin. He told me that you had magic, but he also called you by a different name," her fingers stroking the blade grew tense, unconsciously slicing them. Morgana never took her cold eyes from Merlin's, even as her blood slowly dripped down the side of the knife.

Merlin shook with anger, "What's it to you?"

"Everything!" Morgana shrieked, stabbing the table with her knife. "My destiny, she said. Emrys will be my destiny and-," she stopped herself, looking glaring wildly at Merlin.

"And what, Morgana?" he kept his voice low, piercing.

"It doesn't matter," she jerked the knife from the table. "It won't ever matter again." She threw the knife the short distance between them.

Her strike should've kill him but with merely a word and the flash of his eyes it stopped mid-air in front of his hand. She shrieked in rage and threw herself at him, clasping her hands around his neck. Merlin felt her squeeze hard, cutting off his air supply. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think. His hand reached up trying to pry her hands from his throat. His other hand desperately grouped the floor for some kind of weapon. Black spots began to appear in his vision, his breath shortened as she leaned her weight onto his windpipe.

A sharp thrust, a gasp, and her grip loosened. Her body was rigid and weak as she rested her head against his chest. Merlin lay there breathing heavily, regaining control of his abused throat. Morgana's gasps were not unlike his own as they breathed in pained unison. Merlin lifted his head to see Morgana, her shaking frame draped against him. Merlin felt the warm liquid seeping into his tunic as he gently rolled her off of him. Protruding from her side was the same knife she had tried to kill Merlin with, the knife that had left his hand only moments ago. He lifted her into his arms, trying to calm her frightened gasps.

"Why... must you... hold your... victims?" She asked, blood dripping from her lips.

Merlin's eyes filled with tears as he held her, remembering the woman he used to know, who had been his friend. Years ago he was in this exact position, forced to kill this same woman. He had poisoned her, her face filled with fear and betrayal. In her face now as he held her was that same fear, but loathing had replaced betrayal. But he held her as if there wasn't a single change. He shook his head in sadness, "Only you," he whispered, his voice shaking.

"The Callieach was...right," she inhaled sharply, her breaths coming shorter. "You would be my doom."

Merlin shook his head again, no longer able to see through moisture falling freely, "I'm so sorry - so sorry, Morgana," his hands shook against her.

She laughed, a grotesque, gasping sound, "I don't... believe you. And I - I'll never...forgive you." She let out a sigh and her body went limp. Her open eyes staring into nothing.

Unable to restrain himself, Merlin buried his face against her hair, weeping bitterly. He couldn't have done this, he couldn't have. She didn't have to die. A logical voice in his head told him that it was self defense - _She was trying to kill you! _He shook his head, repressing the voice of reason. This was his fault. There were so many times he could've taught her the right way to use her magic, to do good deeds. He could've helped her when she felt so alone, so abandoned, as he did so many times. They could've both protected Arthur and led him to the throne and Camelot to a new horizon. This was his fault. It would never be forgiven, and it would never be forgotten.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: In the Face of Death Itself

Author: kate-7h

Rating: T

Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, and the epic knight troop. No slash, M/M if you squint

Summery: Merlin is kidnapped by Morgana and it doesn't quite go according to plan for both of them. Meanwhile, Arthur's very angry for misplacing his manservant.

WARNINGS: Violence/gore, character death

Disclaimer: Characters in these personalities belong to BBC

A/N: This was written post-4x02 and pre-4x03 for obvious reasons... I don't to give it away for people who haven't seen it.

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"Father," Arthur cleared his throat. "I'm going to end this now."

It wrenched his heart to sit before the once strong and proud Uther Pendragon. The was no expression on his pale, greying features. Morgana's betrayal had broken his heart, leaving him a whithered husk of the man he once was. Arthur's lip quivered ever so slightly as he reached out to grasp Uther's wrist.

"I have to leave, but I'll return triumphant. I promise you, Father. I won't let you down again."

Uther lifted his vacant eyes to meet Arthur. His hand shook as he placed it against Arthur's cheek, "My son, you have never let me down." His voice was weak but his words resonated strongly in Arthur's mind. He let a sharp breath, the corners of his mouth curling up.

Uther drooped in his seat, letting his eyes stare unblinkingly out at the setting sun. Arthur sighed, rubbing his eyes. This was not the man he had been raised by. It was unnerving to watch him slowly deteriorate, and there was nothing he could do about it. This was her fault. Morgana had stolen Uther's mentality, his very will to live. She had poisoned his father's mind, and now she had stolen his most loyal friend and servant. She would pay for this.

Arthur bowed his head and left the room, gently shutting the door behind him. He walked rapidly to the stables where he had ordered his patrol of knights to wait for him. Usually his arrival would produce some sort of joke from Gwaine, but that evening even he was solemn. Each of those knights -Gwaine, Elyan, Percival, Leon- they had all grown attached to Merlin. He was nearly impossible to dislike; his idiotic bumbling was humourous, and at certain moments his wisdom blew Arthur away. They were friends. For this reason, Arthur climbed on his horse and sped into the woods.

Arthur searched the whole night, desperate to find where Morgana was hiding. And to find Merlin. What could she possibly want with Merlin? Besides his occasional wisdom, there was no reason for Morgana to take him. He had no doubt in his mind that she had every intention of hurting him, even killing him. And it had been hours since they vanished. Merlin's survival seemed highly unlikely. He cursed as his troop of trusted knights trotted with him through the forest. There had been a rumour that Morgana was hiding not very far from Camelot, which led Arthur and his knights to combing their way through the dank wood.

Gwaine had been muttering profanity towards Morgana, vowing that he'd rip her hair out if she harmed a hair on Merlin's head. Percival didn't voice his anger, but looked more than happy to assist Gwaine in giving her a new look. Elyan's hand kept drifting to his sword hilt, seemingly unconsciously, if it hadn't been for the scowl that lined his face. Arthur and Leon rode side by side, faces grave as they searched by the faint light of the morning star.

"We'll find them, sire," Leon's assuring words rung in Arthur's ears, but the assurance was lost in the doubt swarming Arthur's mind.

"We've been searching since yesterday evening. It is unlikely she would keep him alive that long."

Leon's frown deepened, as did the tension that clouded the patrol.

Elyan spoke up, "Perhaps the rumour was false. We've circled the castle and about the woods and still haven't found anything."

"That may be," Percival said. "But it's the only clue we have."

"And Merlin would do the same for any of us," Gwaine murmured, just loud enough for the group to hear.

Arthur's forehead creased. Gwaine was right -for once- Merlin would do whatever it took to keep his friends safe. Arthur was living proof of that. Merlin had told him that Arthur didn't know how many times Merlin had saved his life. This was true, Arthur didn't know, he had no idea. Back then he had taken it as some kind of joke. _What good was Merlin in a fight?_ It was laughable, until the night it was not. The night Merlin had willingly thrown himself in the path of a deadly foe to protect Arthur. Merlin survived by some miracle but the event hadn't left Arthur's mind. How many times _had _Merlin saved his life? The thought scared him, prompting him to kick his horse into a quicker pace.

The sun had begun to rise, bathing the patrol in the dim, grey light of dawn. They had been searching the majority of the night, through the rain which left them damp and cold in the coming morn. Arthur rubbed his eyes, despite his will to find Merlin and Morgana his body disagreed with the neglect. He wasn't used to going nights without sleep. His weariness hunched his armoured shoulders, creaking and moaning in the chill.

"There!" Gwaine's shouted, pointing to a weak stream of light smoke emanating from a declined mound of moss and brush.

They dismounted and practically ran for the hill. Sure enough, there was an entrance. Arthur quickly pulled himself into battle mode, gesturing for Elyan and Percival to close in round the back, Leon and Gwaine round the sides.

Arthur took a calming breath, readying himself for what surely lay behind the disguised door. Breaking it open, Arthur found he was far from prepared for what he saw. It was a small enclosed space with herbs of different kinds hanging from the walls and ceilings. There was a fireplace with low burning coals left unattended. A simple cottage really. What caught Arthur's attention was the man curled in on himself staring at an unmoving woman on the floor.

It took but a moment for Arthur to realize that Morgana was dead. He could see the browning stain left on the ground surrounding her. Before he could steel his nerves, Arthur let out an anguished cry at the sight of her dead body. Joyous memories they had shared flooded his mind, then her betrayal flashed before his eyes and he was brought back to the present moment. Arthur strode over to Merlin. The man didn't even acknowledge Arthur's presence, he just kept staring at Morgana's slightly open eyes.

Arthur took a deep breath, gaging at the putrid smell of the stale blood that covered the floor. He shook his head and placed his hands on Merlin's shoulders, "Merlin?" His voice barely a whisper. Looking closer Arthur saw bruises lining Merlin's throat and scratches from where fingernails must have punctured. Arthur felt bile rise in his throat. _What had happened? _It looked as if Morgana had strangled him. If this was the case, why was she the one lying dead? Another clue fell into place as Arthur noticed the dried blood on Merlin's arm and down the front of his tunic.

"Merlin, are you hurt?" Merlin's eyes hadn't even glanced at Arthur.

The other knights appeared in the doorway, slowly taking in the scene before them from the doorway.

Arthur knew Merlin couldn't stay here. He had to take him away from this hell hole filled with death. He couldn't stand another moment, either. With Morgana -even in death- staring straight into Arthur's soul. Forcing all his attention on Merlin, "Come on," Arthur said starting to pull Merlin up. With a rough but weak jerk, Merlin pulled his arm away, the first movement he had made since Arthur arrived.

"Merlin, come on. We're going to get you back to Gaius," Arthur said firmly, as if he were reprimanding a child.

Merlin just drew closer into himself, slowly wrapping his arms more tightly around his knees. Arthur felt as if he were holding a fragile glass plate, any sudden moves and it would shatter into oblivion. Sighing, Arthur knelt in front of Merlin, blocking his view of the corpse. Merlin's eyes flicked upward to the ceiling, his face blank but obviously streaked with dried tears.

"Merlin," Arthur said softly. "Please. I'm trying to be strong right now, but I need your help." he watched as Merlin's eyes finally settled on his face. "I can't do this alone."

This quiet plea seemed to bring life back to Merlin's face as it twisted with agony. Fresh tears found their way along familiar dried trails from before. Sobs wracked his body as he buried his face against his knees. Arthur -though mostly understanding Merlin's reason to weep- couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. He had never been very good around tears. What made him all the more uncomfortable was the fact that his own eyes brimmed with moisture as he glanced back to Morgana. Forcing the breath from his lungs, Arthur lifted Merlin to his feet, carefully helping him step over Morgana's body. Arthur's tears overspilled at the sight of his life-long friend, his sister, lying at his feet. He could only imagine what Merlin felt -if he was correct that Merlin had killed her- Arthur was fairly certain that he had.

Merlin sagged, relying heavily on Arthur's support. Arthur pulled him out the door and shut it immediately, cutting off the intoxicating smell.

He gestured for Leon, "You, Elyan, and Percival. Find something to wrap her in and bring her back to Camelot a few minutes after us. We'll have her buried right despite what she's done," Arthur muttered, his words quick and gruff.

"Yes sire," Leon said, pulling Elyan and Percival into the cottage with him.

Arthur carefully helped Merlin mount the horse. He even had to guide Merlin's feet to the stirrup, which showed just how traumatised he was. Arthur glanced up at the boy, still engaged in his tears. They had to get back to Camelot soon, so that Merlin could recover from this event. Arthur led the horse from the ground, straying a glance behind as he, Gwaine, and Merlin made their way back to Camelot.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: In the Face of Death Itself

Author: kate-7h

Rating: T

Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, and the epic knight troop. No slash, M/M if you squint

Summery: Merlin is kidnapped by Morgana and it doesn't quite go according to plan for both of them. Meanwhile, Arthur's very angry for misplacing his manservant.

WARNINGS: Violence/gore, character death

Disclaimer: Characters in these personalities belong to BBC

A/N: I was listening to the Lost - Parting Words soundtrack, and then Deathly Hallows - Courtyard Apocalypse...both very emotional instrumentals which would be good to listen to near the end of this chapter...

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It had been two days since it happened, since Merlin had brutally murdered the witch Morgana. He trembled at the thought of it. The day before Merlin had attended the small, quiet funeral for her. Not many people were there, only a few knights, Geoffrey, Gaius, and Arthur. Gwen had been there but left, unable to hold back her tears for the friend she once had. Uther wasn't told about it, Arthur said this was for the best because his fragile mental state was caused by her. The service hadn't had any emotion whatsoever due to Arthur's stone cold face. It was very different than Lancelot's had been, full of speeches of courage and selflessness. Morgana's spoke of how she used to be, before she had changed. When things were simple.

Merlin sat staring out the window, where he had been since he returned from her funeral. Gaius was worried, he knew. It was obvious how he would walk in and lay a comforting hand on Merlin's shoulder or try to start a conversation. But Merlin hadn't talked since Morgana lay dying in his arms. Gaius would leave food beside him, but it was left untouched. He couldn't eat knowing what he was, a murderer. Merlin knew he had killed before, but never so personally, so close in contact physically and emotionally. He couldn't bear the sight of himself.

At the end of the second day he heard the door of his room open. He assumed it was Gaius coming to leave him another bowl of soup. He was proved wrong as Arthur came to stand in front of him, hands behind his back with a solemn expression on his face.

"Well?" He asked, voice stern. Merlin glared up at him without a word.

"I'll stand here all night unless you talk to me."

Merlin rolled his eyes and looked out the window again.

Arthur sighed, "Fine, if you're going to be like that." Arthur dropped a muddy boot and a cloth on Merlin's lap, receiving yet another glare from him.

"My boots haven't been cleaned in days, you might as well do something useful other than staring out a window."

Merlin seethed as he snatched up the boot and violently scrubbed the leather. _You stare out windows when _you're _upset! _Merlin thought in annoyance. Arthur sat on his bed as he washed the single boot.

"You can tell me, you know," Arthur said gently, different than his boisterous voice from a few moments ago.

"What do you mean?" Merlin muttered, never taking his eyes of the task. Whatever surprise Arthur felt at Merlin's voice, he didn't mention it.

"What happened in the cottage... with Morgana," Merlin could tell by the way Arthur said her name that he was tiptoeing around the issue for both their sakes. Merlin's hands brushed harder against the leather.

It took a long moment of strained silence before the words came, "She threw a knife at me. She missed. After that she tried to strangle me, she almost succeeded, but I got my hand on the knife..." he trailed off, his voice was shaking. His eyes focused on the spotless boot.

Arthur leaned forward, trying to get a view of Merlin's face, "Merlin, you don't blame yourself, do you?"

Merlin shook his head, but his tears betrayed him again. He furiously wiped them away, breathing hard, "Arthur, I am more at fault than you would ever believe."

Merlin stood and turned to see Arthur's confused face. He grit his teeth in anger and exhaustion, so tired. Tired of the blame and the secrets and the lying. People had lost their lives for his secrets, his lies. Morgana, Lancelot might as well have, Freya, Balinor, and countless others. Why did this life have to be so hard? His grief turned to anger at the world. At himself. He threw the boot at the door which hit with a loud thud.

"Its my fault she turned out the way she did! She made those decisions because I refused to help her! I could've helped her, but no. I had to keep my secret. I had to fulfill my destiny. _She's dangerous,_ he said! But she wasn't! I made her that way! I could've stopped it, saved everyone the pain and the grief."

Merlin took a deep breath. The look on Arthur's face told him that he should stop, but he couldn't. He continued in a controlled voice, "I killed her, Arthur. As she was dying I begged her to forgive me, but I don't deserve it, she knew that. I wouldn't forgive me either."

After a few moments of silence Merlin sat down in front of the window again, shaking slightly.

"Merlin," Arthur said slowly. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

It was such a simple question, so easily covered with yet another lie, _No, Arthur. Just tired, don't mind a single word I've said. I'm an idiot, remember?_ But Merlin couldn't bring himself to say it. He wanted so desperately to tell him, to let him know his secret. Merlin opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't make a sound. He swallowed and tried again, not looking at the prince behind him.

"I - I need to tell you, Arthur. Before it kills me for keeping it a secret any longer.

Arthur sounded cautious but said, "Alright. Tell me."

Merlin turned his eye towards him, "You must not think any differently of me, Arthur." His face was riddled with panic, eyes so forlorn and pained as he repeated words he had said many years ago.

"Merlin, you and I have been through too much for anything to make a difference in what I know of your character," the words sounded a bit stiff, but Merlin felt easier telling him after his statement.

Merlin stood shakily and took a step towards Arthur as a whispered a word into his hand. A trick he had done once before when revealing his magic; it had seemed to have an overall positive affect. Opening his hand, Merlin show Arthur the little flame that sat there, ever so calmly swaying with Merlin's movements. Merlin carefully watched Arthur's face turn from confusion to shock.

For a long moment neither said a word. Arthur gaped while Merlin was solemn. Slowly drawing a breath, Arthur stood so that he was face to face with Merlin, "You're a sorcerer?" His incredulous question rung on Merlin's ears. He didn't answer, just glanced down at his hand as he smothered the flame.

"Merlin," the prince's low voice brought his gaze back up. "Why didn't you tell me?" Arthur pronounced each word, making his question as clear as possible.

"I just did," Merlin said quietly.

There was another moment of silence, the calm that comes before a storm. Arthur violently kicked the bed, making Merlin flinch at the sudden noise.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Arthur repeated his question at the top of his voice, his sword screeched from its sheath.

Merlin took a step back, but his tongue refused to give into the panic that centered around Arthur's sword, "I would've if it weren't for your bloodthirsty father! Or the fact that being who I am is punishable by death!"

"My father is barely lucid, that is not an excuse!"

Merlin barely paused, anger boiling in his blood, "Because you don't know! That's why! You don't know what its like constantly hiding in plain sight from a man who would have your head. You never knew what it was like to have hide what you are, to pretend to be something else all your life. Do you know how hard it is? You _don't _know how hard it is to play the fool, to mask anything special inside of me, Its-" Merlin stopped himself, his whole frame shuddering, breaths coming in gasps. Arthur looked as if he'd been slapped. Merlin watched as he opened his mouth to speak before Gaius opened the door, making them both jump.

"What's going on? I heard shouting," Gaius said cautiously, looking back and forth between Merlin and Arthur. Without a word, Merlin slid past Gaius and left the room. Arthur would have him executed, Merlin knew it should be true. Despite what friendship -however riddled with lies- they had had, it was the law. Why was would he be an exception when so many others were not. Merlin had to get out of Camelot as soon as possible.

Merlin grabbed the blanket from Gaius' bed, whatever food he could see in passing the bench, and a water pouch. Within a minute he closed the door, fearing he would never return.

He took strong steps through Camelot's gates, though he felt far from strong. His face was moist with tears that refused to stop flowing. He was leaving Camelot. It was scarcely imaginable. This place had become his home, a place of false refuge. Each step he took was farther away from his friends, his home, his destiny.

Destiny, what was the point of that anyway? What good had it ever done? Merlin's head shook bitterly. Arthur found out who he truly was and had spurned him, had threatened him with the very sword Merlin had cleaned mere days ago. Doesn't sound like two sides of the same coin.

Merlin felt rain fall on his face as he trudged in a clearing on a hill. It poured down hard, drenching him from head to foot. He stopped, shivering in the cold wet. Forgetting the supplies he had dropped on the ground he stood unmoving. Lifting his face to the sky he let out a heart wrenching cry, echoing across the grey forest he overlooked.

"You said it was my destiny! Well, you were wrong! But there's no point! You've taken everything! Everyone I love, gone! Why are you doing this to me? Well, go on! Finish the job! What's stopping you! STRIKE ME! Do it! Just KILL ME!" He stood with his arms extended out, exposing his chest to the heavens. When nothing happened he let out another shout across the sky and dropped the ground lying on his side in the damp grass, his body wracked with cold and sobs.

"Just let me die, please, just let me die," he whispered hoarsely, eyes . "Its all my fault." Slowly, he brought his knees up to his chest, hands gripping his head.

"I've failed."

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A/N: Reviews would be very encouraging! Hope you liked it, well, satisfied your need for Merlin whump...


	4. Chapter 4

Title: In the Face of Death Itself

Author: kate-7h

Rating: T

Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, and the epic knight troop. No slash, M/M if you squint

Summery: Merlin is kidnapped by Morgana and it doesn't quite go according to plan for both of them. Meanwhile, Arthur's very angry for misplacing his manservant.

WARNINGS: Violence/gore, character death

Disclaimer: Characters in these personalities belong to BBC

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Arthur watched as Merlin disappeared through the door, slamming it for good measure. Arthur flinched. He shouldn't be upset, Merlin had broken the law by practising magic. He deserved to be burned. _For being born with magic? _That voice in his head that always seemed to be right said softly. Arthur shoved his sword back in its sheath as Gaius began to comprehend the situation.

"What happened?" He asked, concern and hurt leaking from his voice.

Taking a deep breath, Arthur set his mind to what his father would want, "Merlin is guilty of practising magic, Gaius. Due to his actions he will be pardoned the usual punishment for sorcery. He will be banished from Camelot. To return would be on pain of death."

Gaius looked solemn, staring with deep disapproval at the prince.

Arthur shifted uncomfortably in his gaze, "I'm sorry, Gaius, but that's all I can do for him."

"No, it is not, sire," Gaius' words were low, serious.

"Well, what could I have done?"

"You could've understood, been the friend he had hoped you were."

Arthur felt as if he had been punched in the gut as Gaius said the same words that he had been trying to block from his mind.

"You want me to break the _law, _for Merlin?"

Gaius nodded once. Without another word he bowed and left the way Merlin just had a few minutes ago.

Word had spread fast in Camelot that Merlin had left, though no one knew the reason as Arthur had not said a word to anyone. He knew Merlin was likable among the knights, but it seemed nearly everyone in Camelot was hurt and confused at his sudden disappearance. Arthur tried to ignore the whispers as he headed to the training field the next morning. But it would only get worse.

Once Arthur stepped foot on the grounds, Gwaine bounded over, "Where's Merlin gone?" he asked in a light tone, eyes flitting around expecting Merlin to jump up from behind a shrub with a goofy smile.

Arthur shook his head, "He left."

Gwaine's face dropped as the other knights gathered around.

"What'd ya mean he left?" Gwaine asked, brows drawn together in concern.

"I mean he left, Gwaine! He's not coming back," Arthur pushed past the men to get to the weapons. It felt like a rather good time to pulverise a training dummy. "Line up, men!"

The men did as they were ordered. Arthur heaved a sigh, wishing he didn't have to train the men at that moment.

He turned to find Gwaine standing behind him, unmoved from their conversation earlier.

"What did you do?"

Arthur raised his eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

Gwaine shook his head slowly, "Merlin wouldn't have left for no reason. What did you say to him?"

"Get in line, Gwaine," Arthur ground through his teeth. He was in no mood to be dealing with this at that moment.

Gwaine stood, unmoved.

"That was not a request," Arthur could feel the guilt rise up like bile, and it angered him. This was not a good thing for Gwaine.

Gwaine was still, his voice angry with an edge of pleading, "Just tell me what happened, Arthur."

Arthur lowered his voice, "Do as I ordered, or you will be thrown in the stocks."

"Why did Merlin leave?" Gwaine's voice raised ever so slightly.

"Merlin has been banished! He was guilty of crimes against Camelot," Arthur yelled, his fists shook as he calmed his anger, repressing it in his mind.

Gwaine's face darkened, "Why the hell would you banish Merlin? For what crimes? All he's ever been is loyal to you, no matter what. Is this you repaying him? After saving your life!"

By the end of his statement, Gwaine was yelling in Arthur's face.

Arthur remained stoic, though his jaw twitched in response to Gwaine's words, "He's not what we thought he was," Arthur's words were just above a whisper.

A blow to the face sent Arthur backward a few steps. He felt blood dribble down his lip and saw Gwaine's cocked fist and put two and two together. The other knights were shocked, their eyes darting back and forth between Arthur and Gwaine.

"Then you're not the man _he_ thought you were."

Arthur spit the blood from his mouth, "Guards!" the guards were there in seconds, waiting to be called after watching the whole scene.

"Take him to the dungeons, I want him out of my sight," Arthur turned away as the guards dragged Gwaine towards the castle. Arthur wiped his lip, glaring down the knights, daring them to say a word. None did.

"You are all dismissed, we will not be training today," he said gruffly before walking away. Retreating to his room, Arthur sighed at the clothes and other messes hanging about from chairs to candlestick holders. It hadn't even been a day and the place was hopeless without Merlin. The man had always been a loyal servant, or so it seemed. Merlin had been concealing sorcery right under Arthur's nose. How could he do that? After the many life-threatening events they had experienced, through thick and thin, Merlin had always been there, fighting along side Arthur with great courage. Guilt weighed deep in his gut, filling him up with shame. He tried to dismiss these thoughts -_he broke the law!_- but they continued. Merlin was a sorcerer. Arthur never even suspected that he held such an evil force inside him, despite the good he displayed.

Arthur's face lifted up, thoughts rushing rapidly through his head. Perhaps not all magic is evil. If Merlin was evil, why was Arthur still alive? Merlin had saved him countless times, as well as helped him save Camelot. If not all magic is evil, wasn't Merlin a perfect example of that? Perhaps his father was wrong, and there was cause for a new time. Arthur just needed his friend for that time.

The sun was low in the afternoon as Arthur immediately began to pack clothes, and had sent a servant to bring a supply of food for a few days. Within the hour, Arthur was ready to ride out of Camelot.

"Arthur," Someone called out. Arthur turned to see Leon, Elyan, and Percival walking towards him. Arthur went back to adjusting the straps on his saddle.

"Where are you going?" Leon asked, a smirk starting to find its way onto his face. All the knights were smiling knowingly.

Arthur glanced around and lowered his voice, "Don't tell anyone, but Gwaine was right...and I don't want him to get an even bigger head," the knights chuckled.

"But," Arthur said, serious again, "He was. I'm going after Merlin, and I'll bring him home."

The knights nodded their approval. "We'll get ready to go then," Elyan started to say before Arthur shook his head, "No, I have to do this alone. This was my mistake and I'm going to fix it."

"Well, bring him back safe," Percival said, clamping his hand on Arthur's shoulder.

"I will."

Riding out into the forest, Arthur realised that he wasn't quite sure where he was headed. Would Merlin return to Ealdor? Or go somewhere completely different? Arthur scratched his head in annoyance. _Just like Merlin to disappear when you need him._

Carefully, Arthur found Merlin's footprints, leading towards the white mountains. Arthur sped off along Merlin's trail. This was the second time that week that the prince went in search of his manservant. _At least the idiot left tracks this time_, Arthur through without humour. He steered his horse onward, close on Merlin's trail. A foot print here, a snapped twig there and Arthur found himself at a glass like lake. Arthur dismounted and walked as quietly as he could towards the edge of the forest, staying in the shadows. He was almost bewitched with the beauty of the lake, how it gleamed and glistened, the reflection of the mountains portrayed in its ripples. Though ripples had not been there a moment ago.

Arthur turned his head to the left and saw Merlin wading out into the water. Arthur almost ran out to stop Merlin from what appeared to be his attempt at drowning himself. Instead, Merlin stopped and pulled his hand back and forth through the leg-deep water. Arthur would've revealed himself and spoken if it hadn't been for the thick fog that rose from the lake. After a moment Merlin was not alone. He watched as a woman emerged from the fog, flowed through the water as if she were made of it, until wrapped her arms around his manservant.

"I've missed you," she crooned, her voice was light but the power within it rose the hairs on Arthur's neck.

"I've missed you too," Merlin replied.

She pulled away, her eyes flicked towards the bush where Arthur hid, and a smile spread across her lips. She looked back at Merlin with concern, "You are distraught, my love?" Her love? How much had Merlin not told him? She questioned him, though Arthur suspected she already knew what was wrong.

Merlin gave a harsh laugh, "You could say that. But, I didn't come to complain. I was hoping to see you."

"And you have, Merlin. But what will you do now?" Arthur felt the guilt on his heart as he saw the pain cross Merlin's profile.

"Freya, I don't know. I can't go back to Camelot, Arthur would kill me," Again, Arthur's heart was a millstone.

The woman -Freya- glanced at Arthur again, "This may not be as hopeless as it seems."

Merlin just buried his face in her hair, shaking his head in despair, "No, I can never return. Arthur will never forgive me. They way he looked at me...it was as if I was a different person. And I can't return to Ealdor, I have past the point where that was my home...I- I don't know what to do."

What had he done? Merlin had always been true and loyal. The best friend Arthur had ever known. It wasn't Merlin who had betrayed him, Arthur had betrayed Merlin.

Freya held his face and softly kissed his lips. Merlin responded by cupping her face in his hands, deepening the kiss. Arthur suddenly felt very awkward for eavesdropping at that moment. He turned his head to give Merlin some privacy with the mysterious lake woman.

"You are not alone," Arthur turned back to the scene at her voice. She still held his face between her pale hands. Merlin looked at her strangely, as if he knew he was the only person in the world.

"Even now, your prince regrets his decision in sending you away," Freya said with a musical laugh, her voice tinkling like a bell.

Merlin looked shocked, "How can you be sure?" Her response was turning her head to look directly at Arthur. Merlin followed her gaze, searching the trees for what she meant.

_Well_, Arthur thought. _Here goes nothing._ Arthur walked towards the lake, mindful of the woman who seemed to look straight down into his very soul. She stood unmoved as Merlin strode out of the water to Arthur. His face cautious as he kept looking at Arthur's sword, the sword which Arthur was mindful not to lay his hand on, despite how vulnerable he felt in the presence of such a powerful magical being surrounded in mist.

Merlin stopped a few feet from him, uncertainty rolling off him in waves.

"Hello, Merlin."

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A/N: Cliffhanger! I'll have the next chapter as soon as I can...In the mean time, review?


	5. Chapter 5

Title: In the Face of Death Itself

Author: kate-7h

Rating: T

Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, and the epic knight troop. No slash, M/M if you squint

Summery: Merlin is kidnapped by Morgana and it doesn't quite go according to plan for both of them. Meanwhile, Arthur's very angry for misplacing his manservant.

WARNINGS: Violence/gore, character death

Disclaimer: Characters in these personalities belong to BBC

A/N: This is the last chapter! Whoohoo! No more waiting for my wonderful readers! Thanks so much for your support and suggestions, you're all amazing.

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Merlin didn't know exactly where he was going. He had spent the night curled inward on the top of the hill, rain pouring down mercilessly. In the morning, he just walked through the woods, steering clear of roads and paths in order to avoid human contact. They were his problems and he wanted to deal with them alone, he didn't want to burden anyone else. Each step brought him deeper into the greenery, shrouded in the thick fog of morning. Thoughts filled his head, dark thoughts. Thoughts of friends and foes, love and hate, good and evil. _What's the difference anymore?_ Merlin shook his head bitterly. These are all the same, and always will be. Merlin's frantic thoughts turned to Morgana, how they had been friends, then foes. It had happened again. He and Arthur were foes now, Arthur would not hesitate to run Merlin through, some might say that was a big difference from chucking hard objects at one's servant.

Eventually his feet stopped, his eyes really seeing for the first time that day. The lake of Avalon glistened in the clouded light of sunset. Seeing the mystic water shifting ever so slightly in the still air sent shivers up Merlin's spine. He hadn't been at this location since retrieving the sword forged in the dragon's breath. He let out a long, mournful sigh. Freya, his only love had died mere paces from where he stood. That was a memory he always and never wanted to forget.

_Merlin,_ a whisper so light it could've been a gentle wind reached his ears. Almost unconsciously his legs brought him to the shore and into the water. It was cold but he barely felt it as mist arose and curled around his finger tips. He lifted his eyes up to see the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. Freya, almost one with the water, flowed towards him and enveloped him in her arms. He could sense her, feel the chill and warmth simultaneously, but he could not feel her.

"Ive missed you," she said softly against his chest. His heart ached for her loss once more.

"I've missed you, too."

She looked out across the forest with a smile until she met his sad eyes, "You are distraught, my love?" Her head cocked in concern. He was distraught? _That sounds about right, _Merlin thought with bitterness. All was lost, his destiny, his friendship. Ruined. He wanted desperately to blame anyone, but he could not deny his own fault. From his throat a harsh sound erupted, Merlin didn't know whether it was a laugh or a sob.

"You could say that. But I didn't come here to complain. I was hoping to see you," That was partially true, he always wanted to see her, he just wasn't sure why his feet took him to the lake. To seek comfort? Companionship? He didn't know.

"And you have, Merlin. But what will you do now?" Her eyes saddened at the dismay in his face. It was a hard question, _what now?_ One he had hoped she could tell him, give him some new purpose, new destiny since he had failed his last.

"Freya, I don't know. I can't go back to Camelot, Arthur would kill me," his heart ached at his words, despite the truth he knew that rung from them.

Freya looked away, "This may not be as hopeless as it seems."

Overcome with despair, Merlin embraced her nearly existent form, burying his face in her hair, "No, I can never return. Arthur will never forgive me. They way he looked at me...it was as if I was a different person. And I can't return to Ealdor, I have past the point where that was my home...I- I don't know what to do," he felt tears well in his eyes once more, but he refused to let them fall in front of her.

Freya leaned back, stroking his cheeks with his fingers. With a fluid movement, her lips were pressed against his. Again, Merlin could not physically feel her, but he felt the warmth of her kiss in his heart. He cradled her face in his palms, lovingly swaying in their embrace.

After what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart. She smiled wide, her spirit-like eyes glinting like stars, "You are not alone."

Merlin sighed at her gaze. He had never felt more alone in his life, he was sure she knew this. _I don't know what you mean,_ he thought, not bothering to speak the words aloud.

"Even now, your prince regrets his decision in sending you away," Freya said smoothly, laughing a little.

Merlin was taken aback by her words, still amazed at the wisdom she always seemed to hold, "How can you be sure?"

She turned her head deliberately towards to woods, keeping her focus on a specific cluster of trees. Merlin squinted, unable to see what she seemed to see. Suddenly, Arthur strode from the shadows. Merlin didn't understand. Had Arthur come to finish the job? He eyed the sword at Arthur's belt. Probably. He walked out of the water, trying to ignore the cold of the freezing water. He stepped onto dry ground, warily approaching the prince, eyes never leaving the deadly sword. Feeling like a dozen meters was far enough, Merlin stopped, nervous but expectant.

"Hello, Merlin," Arthur said earnestly as he walked towards the boy.

"Hello, Arthur," he replied, trying to keep his voice even. _What was he doing here?_ Merlin asked in his head. Again, his death played at an option. Anger swept over him. If Arthur was really there to kill him Merlin decided he didn't want to put up with that.

"Why are you here? To finish the job?" Arthur flinched at his words, but quickly recovered.

"Well, don't think it hasn't crossed my mind," It was Merlin's turn to flinch now, he felt his heart wrench as he took a shaky step back towards the lake.

Arthur realised his mistake, "But I'm not going to, you know I wouldn't."

Merlin just stared. Arthur was wrong, he didn't know. Merlin stood ready to bolt if Arthur's calm broke.

Arthur sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. Shame evident on his face, "Merlin, I..." Arthur trailed off, glancing at the lake behind Merlin. He nodded, "I'm sorry. For everything."

"Why?" Merlin asked. He didn't even know why he asked it. The question just sputtered out of his mouth.

Arthur was caught by surprise as well, "Why?"

Merlin gave a curt nod, "Why are you sorry? Because you realised you were wrong? That Uther's wrong? Or did you come to ease your own guilt of turning away someone who's been completely loyal to you, no matter what."

Arthur shifted his weight, obviously uncomfortable. Merlin watched this with scrutiny, anger he didn't know he had bubbling inside of him. _What was he doing here? _Merlin thought again, a glare fixed on the prince.

A step forward from Arthur was reciprocated by a step back from Merlin, "I thought I could trust you!" Merlin burst out, "I thought you'd understand."

Merlin looked towards the ground, his face contorted with hurt and betrayal as his voice cracked, "But- but it seems I was wrong about you. You're not the friend I thought you were."

Arthur's looked as if he'd been punched in the gut. His hands twisted together in agitation, taking a deep breath, "I was wrong, Merlin. I was so wrong."

Merlin's eyes flitted across to Arthur's face, then back to the ground.

"You are not evil, as I had believed all magical beings were. I... I can't tell you... can't begin to describe... how sorry I am," Merlin listened to Arthur struggle for the words, his lip trembling.

Unable to contain his tears, Merlin turned his back on Arthur. It was too much. First, Morgana's death, then Arthur's spurning, now this. _Why had he come here? _The question wouldn't leave Merlin's mind. He wanted to believe that someday magic would return and its holders would not be despised. Merlin could hear Arthur shift his weight behind him, how tears made him uncomfortable. _Why doesn't he just run me through now? While my back is turned._

But he said he was sorry. Arthur never apologises, especially to his idiot servant. It just wasn't done. What did it mean?

"Merlin, come home." Arthur pleaded, his voice kept low and steady as he tried to keep it from breaking.

Acceptance. Arthur was accepting him for who he was. He could scarcely believe it. That knowledge was more than Merlin could ever hope for, dream of. The day had finally come. He failed in trying to keep his body from shaking with his silent sobs.

Arthur placed his hand on Merlin's shoulder, "Merlin?" He asked in concern. Merlin quickly wiped his face and turned towards Arthur. The prince looked uncomfortable at Merlin's tears, but said nothing, just gripped his servant's shoulder. Overcome with joy, Merlin embraced his friend. Arthur reluctantly returned it, giving Merlin a manly thump on the back.

"You don't know how long I've waited for you to say that," Merlin said as he took a step back.

"Say what, exactly?"

Merlin grinned, face still moist from his joyful tears, "That I'm not evil."

"Yeah," Arthur smiled at his servant, his friend. "So, are you ready to come home?"

Merlin nodded, then glanced back towards the lake where its Lady still stood, "Yes, but just a moment."

Walking to the water again, he took Freya's hands in his, "I don't want to leave you again," He said sadly, knowing there was no other option.

"You must. You and Arthur will bring about a new age. Peace and unity with come through your pure hearts," She smiled as she released his hands.

"Wait!" He struggle to hold his grasp, but it was as if she were made of mist. "Will I ever see you again?"

"Merlin, I promised I would repay you. I intend on keeping that promise until they day you join me in Avalon."

Touched, Merlin looked down, "Thank you," He whispered quietly.

Freya touched her lips to his forehead, "Go now, my love. Do not keep Albion waiting."

Merlin nodded, giving her on last look of love and regret. He then turned and trudged from the lake back to where Arthur stood.

"Are you ready now?" Arthur asked, a touch of playful annoyance colouring his voice.

Merlin smiled, "Yeah, I am. You?"

"Yeah."

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After a couple hours Gwaine decided he quite enjoyed the dungeons. It had felt good to hit Arthur for being an ass to Merlin. He felt justice had been served.

Then there was the question of what to do for entertainment. The was, in fact, no tavern in the dungeons -a detail the knight intended on bringing up to prince when things calmed down- but the issue was a "now" situation.

About an hour into his prison experience, Gwaine realised he was not alone in his cage. A fat rat scuttled across the floor at his feet. Most people would be outraged, disgusted, but Gwaine laughed.

"You stuck in here too?" He asked the furry rodent. "Did the princess put you in here? What'd you do? Bite is royal little finger?" The rat squeaked, skittering through the straw.

Gwaine sat beside it, pondering, "I suppose you have a name, then?"

_Squeak!_

"You seem like a Leroy to me. Alright, Leroy. Wanna have some fun?"

_Squeak!_

Gwaine found himself rather amused by scaring people as they walked by the little window the was above the cell. Leroy did most of the work, skittering out as Gwaine lifted him up through the bars. Unfortunately, Leroy was not as well trained as Gwaine had hoped. Once he had released Leroy to the cobbled street above, the rat ignored any demand for return and disappeared in the direction of the market.

"Well, Leroy! I'll make sure they sound the warning bells! And don't let me see you around here again or I'll have Merlin make you in to stew!"

"Gwaine?" An amused voice held a laugh in. Gwaine turned to see Merlin snickering at him and Arthur smirking as he unlocked the cell.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Leroy the rat. Oh and Merlin, that's one rat that really not worth the stew. I don't care if the whole of Camelot is starving, that rat is tricky."

Arthur exchanged a look with Merlin, "Merlin, I think he's more drunk when he's sober."

"You probably right, there."

Gwaine clapped, "Excellent! Well there's only one way to fix that. To the tavern!"

"After you," Merlin said following his insane friend to the lower town, prince in tow.

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A/N: Any last thoughts? Leave a comment s'il vous plaît


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